18 January, 2010

catching up

so, i woke up this morning to find myself squarely in the middle of January. and i sat back and truly wondered...'how the hell did this happen?'

it's not like i've been in a coma for an extended period of time, nor am i dealing with an overwhelming depression or family tragedy that would make me lose track of time.  but, holy hell, it's the middle of January. (and it's been a while since i've written anything of depth.)

lately, every time something significant happens, i think, 'i should write about that', and then come home and get lost in the miasma of my life (mostly all happy) and never get around to writing about any of those things that i previously thought were noteworthy.

so, a quick (and somewhat rambling recap)...  work remains that which it is... work.  over the last year, my job responsibilities have quadrupled and i'm roughly being paid the same as i was when i started nearly 4 years ago.  that is a continual frustration and a trigger point for bad feelings, so i'm just going to leave it at that. however, the positive is that the actual work that i'm doing is exhilarating and challenging and i leave the office everyday mentally fatigued.  we are efforting real change in what we are doing and we can see it...every day.  that alone makes the money issue a little less painful.

the oldest of the brood is still living with her dad.  it pains me in places where words can't reach, but i realize this makes her even more like me, and that i should understand.  she is following her own path, and even though i don't understand or even like it, i can relate.  i threw off the yoke of my old life so boldly, and painfully for many, really not giving a damn what anyone else thought, and began doing my own 'thing' so that i could be happy.  i guess she's doing the same. i just miss her. a lot.


we spent thanksgiving with our chosen family.  not all of them, because we have a large extended chosen family.  but with my soul sisters, pennie and d, and their families. it was a lot of love, a lot of laughter and Goddess help me, a lot of food!



i know it's a lot of pictures (sorry), but sometimes i think images can convey a thought or a feeling much better than words.

during this time, i was also suffering from a severely infected spider bite and had to have minor surgery to have it drained and packed and all that.  since i consider the spider one of my totem animals, i really had to take a few days to ponder the metaphysical meaning behind the bite.  i could only come to the conclusion that i needed to better follow my own spiritual path and do the things i wasn't doing, but that i knew i needed to do.  (wow, that was a mouthful.).  to that end, i moved my altar out of the living room where it's been residing for a few years, and into my bedroom. i placed it so that i can, quite literally, roll out of bed and sit immediately at the foot of my altar and be able to meditate.  the warming tones of incense are a lovely way to wake up.  and while i'm a little disheartened that it took me so long to do this, i'm meditating nearly every day, sometimes twice and am feeling much more calm and peaceful. 

an old friend, sistahgoddess camara, is going to be making a medicine doll for me.  we spoke (emailed) about it yesterday, and after telling her i'd gotten a nudge that it was time for a doll, she let me know that she knew who the doll was, and would keep me informed of the process.  i can't wait to meet her and give her a place on my altar and learn all that i can from her.

d came over a few days after that and started the process of locking my hair.  it's something i'd been toying with for ages, but unsure of the repercussions (work, family, etc.) i had just held back from giving myself the green light.  i'd finally had enough though, of limiting myself because of how other people may or may not like what i was doing and started the process.  and oh boy, is it a process!  today, my whole head is kinda fuzzy looking, as i need to spend some time with a crochet hook and pull in all the fly away hair.  not something i'm looking forward to, but i'll feel better when it's done.  over the summer, after my car accident, i cut my moderately long hair very short, almost in a pixie cut.  it was yet another of those 'i'm-letting-go-of-this-stupid-fear' things.  because my face is very round, i've been afraid of getting my hair cut short.  well, i did it, and it was really cute.  but the decision of whether or not to dread now or to wait until it was longer was plaguing me.  i went ahead and decided to do it now, mainly because i didn't want to wait. (patience is NOT one of my virtues).
this is me before dreads (horrible pic, please excuse it).

(Photography by Emma. =)....)

(lovely, blackberry level photography by me! )

you can see it's a little fuzzy, but hopefully you can get the gist.

having dreads makes me feel a little...freer.  my spirit feels unburdened a little bit more.
and no, i don't want to convey the impression that my hair makes me who i am, nor do i identify
by my hair, but it helps me realize that i can be the person i want to be, even if no one else understands.

we spent a very quiet holiday season in our mixed spirituality household.  being an eclectic pagan, leaning more dianic than anything else, but with some of my children being catholic, one being agnostic, the stepson being a church of christ christian, and Himself sort of figuring out where he fits in the pagan mindset, well, we had to make some decisions about how to celebrate the holidays.  and the answer to all of our questions was quiet.  we quietly spent quality time.  we laughed and played.  we spent all day the theatre being lost in Pandora and in the pandemonium of Holmes' mind.  we cooked glorious feasts and made sinful cookies and cakes.  we opened gifts, wrapped carefully in kraft paper and organza ribbon.  we colored and cut and glued and pasted.  we had nerf dart gun wars and found that the velcro-ish darts will stick to my dreads.  we played wii until the batteries in the wiimotes ran dead.

in short, we nested.  we cuddled.  we hid away from the world for a few weeks.  i received a text near the end of my vacation from pennie, saying i had been in her thoughts and she was checking in, as i'd been so quiet.  i told her that i was hibernating my soul.  taking in, and basking in all that has gone on for the year. (and we've had a busy year).

(solo and alice, sitting on the windowsill)

truth be told, even though we've gone back to work and school and have been forced to somewhat come out of that hibernation, we're still being quiet.  we're still mindful and restful and taking some of that quiet positivity away from the holiday season and carrying it into the new year.

the bright, big, shiny new year, once again full of possibilities and questions and answers.


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