for anyone who may be reading this throughout the course of this project, i must apologize now. i'm using the 215800 project as a stream of consciousness writing exercise. instead of writing in my journal, i'm going to put my through stream into the blog. who knows what may come of it?
they say that 800 words a day for 21 days (long enough to start a habit incidentally), will average out to about 67 pages. there could be poetry, a short story and countless essays that evolve from this experience. i'm also hopeful this will be a great jumpstart to get my lazy behind back into a yoga practice.
The new job is progressing well and I’m really starting to feel settled in. got over my first real hurdle and am progressing onto the other things I’ve been tasked with. There is still some uncertainty as it is a long-term contract position, but there is every indication and promise that it will convert to a permanent position at the end of the contract. So, instead of worrying, and causing myself more anxiety, I’m just going to let it go and deal with the positivity of knowing that I’m damned good at what I do.
Had a great conversation with my Director today and know that I’m bringing value to my team, and in a different manner from how they’ve had value added in the past. Some of the things she is asking of me are very exciting and I’m looking forward to meeting the challenge.
Having real issues with trust today. Recent events, and several long term ones are making it difficult for me to really let go and trust others. Especially when their behaviors continually show me that I’m correct in not trusting their words… and often their deeds, too. It’s continually frustrating to know that adults (who should know better) continually and routinely talk out of both sides of their mouth just to look good. If you don’t mean it, why do you say it? And if you continually fail at an intention that you set, wouldn’t you just change the intention or do you keep making the same mistake, over and over and over?
To me, that’s just insanity. Doing the same thing, over and over and over, expecting different results. Sometimes, we even get pissed when there aren’t different results. But we continually repeat the incorrect/routinely failing behavior ….and then expect something to change?
It’s like continually allowing that person in your life, or that person to have true traction in your life if they keep screwing you over. How smart is that? If you know what their tendencies are, and they prove it over and over and over (and over) again, who’s fault is it really when they inevitably screw you over again?
I’m not saying that there isn’t a place for compassion, because there most certainly is a place for it. However, being compassionate most certainly does not mean that you have to be a pushover. In fact, I think being compassionate to those that screw you over may be a form a tough love. You’re being compassionate to their long term lives by letting them know that they aren’t going to fuck you over any more. Or that you aren’t going to allow them that traction in ‘x’ area because you can see that they aren’t changing and you aren’t willing to play the victim in their particular drama.
As a friend told me recently… some people just perpetuate their own drama and they like it. What? Seriously? Who likes drama? The thought of dealing with that kind of crap, intentionally, or stirring it up to put yourself in the middle of attention… that’s just twisted.
Why would anyone in their right mind do that?!?! I guess that’s it though. They more than likely are not in their right mind, due to self-esteem or insecurity issues. And while most of us have those issues, I just don’t see the thinking behind pushing those issues off on other people who have had nothing to do with causing those issues.
It seems like, more often than not, (or, in my case) it’s the unsuspecting that wind up getting hurt more than the ones who caused the damage.
I know that I try, very diligently, to apply the lessons of my past relationships, whether they are friendships, family or romantic, to my current life. I don’t want to cause anyone, not the least concerned being myself, any amount of pain or anguish. Not intentionally. So when someone who says they care about me, or they are ‘here for’ me, and then they trample on me…it shows a level of callousness that makes me not want to have those people in my life at all. If you care so little as to cause hurt after hurt after hurt, never considering the consequences… really, you don’t deserve that kind of traction in my life.
(827 words - 28 min)