ache

i'm a strong woman.  i know i'm a strong woman.  i have a career.  i have 5 children.  i have nearly 3 ex husbands.  i have friends.  i have love. i have all these things in my life that make me feel complete as who i am. i'm still growing and changing and evolving along whatever path my higher power designates for me.  i can be a pta mom,a sex goddess, a lover, a companion,a chauffeur, a financier, a hotelier, a cook, a budgeting genius, a shoulder to cry on, a daughter, a writer, an artist, a bohemian hippie corporate flunky and all the things that i am on a day to day basis without issue (and then some)

however.

there are some days that carrying all of that is just too much.  like, knowing my Solo has FIV and we won't know if he has months or years until we just know is just a bit much for me to bear.  it's like the straw that has broken this camel's back.  i've sat in this meeting all day, working away and it's killing me.  i've been holding back a bucket of tears all day because i have to be present here, when i want to be present there. and right now, i don't even know if i can leave work in time to pick him up today.  how much does that suck?

and on days like this, and i'm not saying this to be mean or degrading, but i don't have anyone to turn to when i need help. and when i really think about it, i've never had anyone to turn to.  I've nearly always had to carry whatever burden has been placed upon me simply because no one else could or would.  not saying that my friends don't step up when i need them, because they do, but dammit, they all have lives and families and jobs and soccer schedules, too.  it's not always easy for someone to drop everything to help a friend, even when you want to.

some days i'm just tired.
right now, i'm bone weary.