ache

i'm a strong woman.  i know i'm a strong woman.  i have a career.  i have 5 children.  i have nearly 3 ex husbands.  i have friends.  i have love. i have all these things in my life that make me feel complete as who i am. i'm still growing and changing and evolving along whatever path my higher power designates for me.  i can be a pta mom,a sex goddess, a lover, a companion,a chauffeur, a financier, a hotelier, a cook, a budgeting genius, a shoulder to cry on, a daughter, a writer, an artist, a bohemian hippie corporate flunky and all the things that i am on a day to day basis without issue (and then some)

however.

there are some days that carrying all of that is just too much.  like, knowing my Solo has FIV and we won't know if he has months or years until we just know is just a bit much for me to bear.  it's like the straw that has broken this camel's back.  i've sat in this meeting all day, working away and it's killing me.  i've been holding back a bucket of tears all day because i have to be present here, when i want to be present there. and right now, i don't even know if i can leave work in time to pick him up today.  how much does that suck?

and on days like this, and i'm not saying this to be mean or degrading, but i don't have anyone to turn to when i need help. and when i really think about it, i've never had anyone to turn to.  I've nearly always had to carry whatever burden has been placed upon me simply because no one else could or would.  not saying that my friends don't step up when i need them, because they do, but dammit, they all have lives and families and jobs and soccer schedules, too.  it's not always easy for someone to drop everything to help a friend, even when you want to.

some days i'm just tired.
right now, i'm bone weary.

just hold my hand...

whenever, however, forever...

three words to describe another three words. both sets carrying equal weight and forcefulness.
both sets, indicative of my heart, soul and mind.

another three words.

does everything come in three?

always so near, so near i can feel you when i close my eyes...

always intellectual, playful,

beguiling and argumentative....

always pushing,

encouraging,

embracing the fullness of the idiosyncrasies

that make up the firmament of me.

and i will look upon your hand in mine,

my dear friend and think upon these words, my favorite words

that my favorite poet says, oh so sweetly,

'here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)'

whenever, however, forever

the muse was off her meds today...

I want my soul to feel like I imagine amber would taste. When you smell the essential oil, any essential oil that has amber…that deep smokiness, the nearly bawdy flavor tone that still somehow implies elegance.

That is what I want my soul to feel like.

Regression isn’t change. Regression is an ostrich, head down with life passing by overhead. Forward motion is sexy, fluid and to me, amber colored.

I found God at my feet…at my weakest, lowest point. When i felt i couldn't take another step, the weight of the world was so heavy and Sisyphean. She said just take the next step, and the next, and the next…
And everything will begin to fall into place. Don’t be distracted by the noise at your side while you stride, just continue putting one foot in front of the other, and the things that are supposed to be in your path, will be there. The other things, the things that pass away, will pass away.

whilst cooking dinner, i was listening to songs and bits and pieces caught my attention, and provoked memories, some good some bad... some, inexplicable...and the bits and pieces of those songs just jumbled together into thoughts, some may only make sense to me, but i have a feeling, some will resonate with you...

'I’m so provocative and you’re so conservative'... 'And there’s you and me, with nothing to prove and I just can’t keep my eyes off you.''

'When I’m with you, the clock is always alive'… 'and I’m always reminded that I never told you what I should have said.'

and then on the heels of that, this collection of thoughts on need...

After everything been through, how does the need rob the heart of its memory? How is the hurt negated? Or is it? Does it just become a known issue, and thereby become mitigated? why do we knowingly... KNOWINGLY walk into what is inevitably going to be a painful situation. why is it with some people we long for that?

'Not giving you another hour or a second or a minute longer.'

I will not be a well behaved woman today… or any other day for that matter. (i saw this on twitter recently, i forget by whom, so i can't give accurate credit, but it's been a bit of a mantra lately, especially when i'm feeling particularly powerless).

and then i came to the realization, seemingly simple, but utterly revelatory in this incarnation for me that...

Your issues are strictly that, your issues. I cannot and will not take any ownership of how you feel. I can however, attempt to not tread on you, as much as I do not want to be trod upon. However… HOWEVER, my feelings are valid, too.

I am chocolate-flavored, amber-scented glitter…and that does not make me soft.

It will never make me soft. Unless, I choose to be soft.

The firmament of me is something i've been questioning for a while. as in what constitutes my firmament. and then it hit me...

My firmament is fluid.

There’s this bag that I carry, my hobo bag. It’s made of woven, raw-silk and I think it’s gorgeous (and it smells of amber). Actually there are a lot of bags that I carry. I consider myself a well-heeled bag woman. Somehow I feel unprepared and naked without my journal(s), a book or four; some current crochet project and one I may want to start in the new future. Not to mention a snack, or my water bottle, my iPhone, earbuds, maybe my laptop, various pens, lip glosses, keys, hair ties, sunglasses, lotion… you get the idea. You just never know when you might need some of this stuff, right, so you might as well be prepared. At least I try to be.

I’d be a boy scout if they let me. No, I really wouldn’t. I made the off-handed comment to my 14 year old son last night, as we did something rather efficiently, that ‘your mom is so super duper efficient’. He didn’t say anything and just went back to politely eating his candy bar. He knows me well enough to know that I’m anything but efficient. Efficacy is NOT on my resume (which is odd, given my career choice). But I thought it funny that he thought it was funny. He's an improv comedian, and his silence, goofily eating the candy bar, was a quiet joke between us that i'll cherish for eternity.

And I’m okay with that. Part of that whole, knowing who you are thing. And I know who I am. I think. At least for today, I’m reasonably sure I know who I am.

uncontained

i will not be that woman, constrained.

i will not be that woman, contained.

a caged bird, i am not.

i am a pulse pounding

quickening at the thought of

life.

i am that woman laughing

so loudly it causes your head to turn

playful and deep,

guttural and sensual.

the alacrity of each step

is cause for rejoicing.

i am not that woman, restrained.

i am that woman

unconstrained

uncontained

unrestrained.

the cage door is open

thoughts that sustain

early to bed, early to rise.

lots of sweat.

zero bullshit.

tend to the body that is my temple, treat it well. rest it. water it. feed it good, wholesome food.

love it. love it loud, love it hard. let it laugh. let it forget regret.

let it sleep, long and deep and sound. let the rest sustain it.

let the sheer miraculous nature of everyday life infect it with joy and grace.

let the smallest shift in the breeze brush across it's face and let it smell the jasmine down the road, the sun cooking the earth underneath it's feet, or the rain that's coming just over the horizon.

teach the soul within to forgive, even those who deserve it least.

even to forgive itself, which may be the hardest path to forgiveness.

show the heart ensconced in the temple love. allow it feel and show empathy. to fully experience grace.

to take the wisdom the mind has learned, and meld with it.

a heart with wisdom and compassion is a heart healed.

a heart with both of these can forgive.

let the self tolerate no bullshit. because what whole self really has time for bullshit anymore.

not i.

let not the mind wander, nor the heart despair.

for there is joy.

there are tears.

there is sweat.

sweat to sustain.

sweat to cleanse and sweat to replenish.

the ache in the soul and in the heart that only sweat and tears can erase.

let the body, the soul, the heart, feel that ache dissipate.

let the mind know peace.

let the mind find silent stillness.

and let the mind be comfortable in that silence.